A phrase in a lot of church mission statements is "to know and be fully known." This phrase sounds really good but the more I think about it I wonder how many people who use it have actually taken the time to unpack the millions of theological trails it leads to. It came to my mind as I was thinking about relationships.
As a pastor I don't think I do a very good job at really knowing the people in my church. I mean they are good friends and all, and I know a lot of facts about them. I've been around them a long time now and I have watched them, lived life with them, and grown with them for over ten years. But somehow the question of how well I really know them is still rattling around in my head.
I think that a lot of people don't reach a significant level of intimacy with the people they live and worship with because people aren't willing to ask each other the risky questions. There are a lot of reasons for that. We live in a society that holds individualism in high regard. We are "trained" to hide our vulnerabilities. And, quite frankly, we think all the really gory details about us are nobody else's business. So we happily go through life trying desperately to ignore that one little place deep down in our soul that yearns to be truly known.
We also like to spiritualize it by saying that we are only truly known by God. Or we may be willing to come off of that stance just enough to include our spouses in the picture. The goal, though, is to justify keeping everyone else at arms length.
So what are the high risk questions we don't really ask? What are your hopes and dreams? How would you describe your relationship with God right now? What are you really struggling with? What brings you the most joy? Where do see your relationship with God going in the next year? How can I help?
When was the last time you were asked questions like that in an environment where you felt truly free to give an honest answer and were compelled to do it with accountability in mind? I suspect there is a good chance the answer is never and we probably like it that way. Oh sure, we might have got close with our spouses or a good friend at times but we always had room to wriggle out of it. We really don't want to be confronted with it.
But being known in this way is crucial to growing as a follower of Christ. We can do a pretty good job of faking it. And we can certainly go through the motions and even make ourselves feel good about our actions. But we need to get ourselves in an environment where we are eventually confronted with our spirituality in a seriously intimate way. If not we are just taking another step in our effort at avoidance.
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12:11 PM
1) We don't ask those questions because that would put us in the position of having to then deal with the answers. More specifically, if we were truthfully asking with concern for the other person then we'd be called to continue to know and love and listen and help the answerer, even if their answers really changed our conception of them or personally bothered us.
2) We don't answer those questions because we're afraid giving true answers will lead to our rejection. We've all been through junior high, and know what it's like to say something that is out of line with the crowd's tastes and then brings ridicule, shame and even ostracism. We're trained by that experience to avoid it again at any cost.
Couple with that the fact that I consider most churches to be accidental gatherings - we're not there because we really knew each other beforehand or are drawn to each other, but sheerly through the "accidents" of where we live and what denomination we belong to or feel an affinity toward. In some sense it's as random a grouping as any set of people in a particular restaurant at a given time.
Sure, over time we're supposed to build those relationships, but it is an unnatural starting point, in my opinion. It is as if I happened to like Taco Bells, and went to the one in my town one Sunday, and then were told the people in that building at that time were the people I was supposed to meet with every week at that time, and not just to meet, but to get to KNOW, to really SHARE myself with.
Hey, I just wanted three bean burritos, ya know?
Contrast that with my post about "My church" yesterday. I am friendlier and more engaged with the people there after two and a half years than I am with the church I attend after almost ten.
2:43 PM
4:05 PM
11:34 AM
You seem to have an affinity with your co-workers at the SC (Perhaps a common desire to volunteer for the cause.) and no doubt you develop the relationships you are looking for there. But I don't think that is necessarily an overall church issue as much as it is about the process Xians who move to a new area go about finding a church community that they have an affinity with. My only argument with you calling your SC community your church is that there exists the possibility that the rest of the group does not understand that as such. Though it may not be the case with you in this instance, that type of situation allows an individual to avoid submitting to the accountability of the group. Something that we Americans love to avoid.
As for community that allows one to be known, I would agree that your two points play a big part in that. But those are exactly the obstacles that need to be overcome. Here are some posts by a friend of mine on the subject. I'm pushing back with him on some issues but we have a long way to go with getting minds around it yet.
7:46 PM
Great points, all. Although after being here ten years, I don't think of myself as a "newcomer." What I do see is the amazing difference between growing up in a denomination and staying in a single town (my wife) and growing up a bit more "ecumenical," shall we say, and moving many times through life (me).
Per the accountability thing, I agree. I want to be accountable to a group - it's more about finding a group I can trust. I am not saying that no one would get to say something negative to me (then it wouldn't be accountability), but more that I have had so many situations over the years that make me distrustful of groups that it's going to be real hard to let those barriers down (per my first comment) combined with the fact that I don't necessarily think in a box, so I am sorta expecting to get shot down the minute I let my shields down.
Oh, and the other thing is, church is like the law and sausages to me - I don't want to see it made. Meaning my one experience with being on a committee was a DISASTER that almost made me leave the church right there, and I will refuse to do anything like that again. Why is it churches think everything has to be done by committee? I know there's some nuts-and-bolts stuff that won't happen if there isn't a group responsible for it, but why does it have to be so...I dunno...Committee-like?
4:12 PM
Still with that said, I do agree that a lot of people have been fairly burned (myself in some light ways) when you try to reach out and know others... in small groups, individually with others, etc. I think what Jim was saying about his desire to be held accountable plays into this as well... I'm part of a most excellent group of men that started as a church "Growth Group" but has since morphed totally into something else... nevertheless, *all* of us had no idea what to expect. The newer man who comes now had some very crappy experiences before though, and was quite reserved in joining because of it.
Yeah Jim if you didn't leave all the way over in the Midwest, you'd be so invited :)
Anyway, I don't feel any comfort to be open and honest except with these men. Not at church... even with those that I know much better than anyone else (one gal that we somewhat 'head up' what some might call a ministry... she's wondered about me a few times).
I've talked about it (actually just did last night) with our head pastor, and I actually think he agrees with alot of my sentiments and has said that most Christians have the wrong view... but the challenge is - how do you get by far most of those that make up the church community to desire relationships such as these? To want to go deeper? To not stay shallow and 'easy'?
4:16 PM
However, all that to say, I don't expect everyone in the congregation to share personal stuff with everyone else, just the pastor and maybe one or two other people. Even then, the whole point is to receive healing through Christ via the pastor, to absorb the Spirit's wisdom, and then let themselves be used to help others find healing. The pastor will be wise to train/partner with others who are skilled at listening and healing.
9:46 AM
I understand what you mean about not being a newcomer. But you are getting at the issue of how community is formed. Finding a place to trust seems to be the most difficult part of it. And as for committees... I was reading some documents about my church from the early 70s. Averaging just 125 in attendance they had something like 27 committees. Unreal. Fortunately we have moved away from that model.
CCJJ,
Your post made me think back to Jim's post and what he called "accidental" groups. He was looking at it in a negative light but that sounds like exactly what happened in your group, but in a good way as it morphed into what it is today. I agree that there will always be posers in church that will need to be worked around or else they will destroy trust. But to make the issue even more complicated is the fact that exposure to a deep community might actually turn some of those posers into deep followers of Jesus.
Tim,
I know how gratifying it can be to have experiences like the ones you are talking about. But I think there is a difference between those types of relationships and what I am really after. I want John 17:21 community, darn it. :)
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